my dear, you are everything

i would've scanned through the whole oxford dictionary if i had the time just to find correct words to describe you but i know it doesn't exist. i have just realized now that my dear, you are everything. you are every sunrise and every sunset. you are every bright sun and every stormy cloud. you are every smile to every cry. and you are everything in between. you are my everyday and id like for you to be my whole life. god knows what i did in my past life for me to meet a soul like yours. a soul that makes me feel all jittery but fuzzy at the same time. a soul that makes me happy just for us to be living the same lifetime. i hope this isn't a glitch in the matrix or the space time continuum that our souls met. because my dear, i am truly deeply utterly in love with you, and i dont know how to stop.

you are the epitome of love

explaining this is hard for me

since i dont know exactly what love is

but i know that you are

it's in the way the edges of your lips curl up in a smile—

a smile so ethereal it makes mesmile

it's in the way you brush your hair out of your face—

so effortlessly, it's breathtaking 

it's in the way you talk—

in that deep voice of yours, with voice cracks if you're excited

all of those and more

succeeded in making me believe in love

in a world where ideas of love are often compromised

i am thankful to have lived the same lifetime as you do

i am grateful to have known your existence 

you make me happy.

-18

it's 1am and i'm bawling

i don't know why i'm going where i'm going anymore. does that make any sense? i don't know. everything just ends up being the same, my fate ends up the same. is it my fault? is this... unwavering yet painful fate i have following me anywhere i go? in the place where i used to think was my happy place just turns it's back against me, just like everyone else. so now what should i do? i didn't ask for this, i didn't do this on purpose... to the point where i feel the need to say sorry for anything i do, that might make them uncomfortable. this hurts, on my side. of course no one is doing it on purpose. this might seem like i'm overreacting, i don't think anyone will ever understand, either. that's why i'm writing it down. because i'm doing this for myself, and myself only. and it's not easy putting yourself before others when you've put others before you all your life, even though they'd never realize it. it's okay. it's okay if they don't realize it, it's okay if they don't appreciate you as you should be appreciated. it's the thought that counts, right? i've lived by myself all my life, i thought i'd be used to it by now. but turns out, i don't think i'm used to being looked over on yet. i know it's happened many times before throughout my life, but whenever it happens it's just... i don't know. it just hurts. i don't know how else to explain it, it's just a sharp pain on my chest that swims it's way through my veins and just attaches itself onto me, therefore leaving a lingering feeling that i loathe so much. there's no escape, i'm guessing? i know this will all end if i distance myself from all of them, but life doesn't work like that. humans are said to be social beings, we need others to survive, i get that. but sometimes it all just gets a bitttttt too much for me. i know i've been talking nonsense in this whole paragraph(?) but it's almost 1am, and i needed to let all of this out or else i WILL explode. anyway... i hope i get happier, i hope i can appreciate myself more, i hope i can be a better person overall. here's to better days. <3

-18

i am losing my way

can you feel a storm coming in or is it in my head?

i can even hear it coming

it's getting colder, and it's getting darker

i'm having trouble breathing

it's so loud, you can't hear it?

my small hands trembling,

heartbeat palpitating

this is so hard

hear me out?

thunderous screams are continuously replaying

there isn't any light coming in

i am losing my way

and i have no where to go

-18

i can finally feel whole again

the red sun evanescences

as the moon emerges

into the deep, deep night sky

sending shivers all around

i try and count the stars,

but there weren't that many

i try letting my thoughts run wild,

but i'm scared i wont ever get them back

so i lay there in solitude

eyes losing focus,

barely breathing,

merely just existing

i find my peace in this,

this unsettling loneliness,

this deafening silence,

this blazing darkness

i can finally feel whole again

—18

it's not that serious

uneasiness creeps up on me

it has devoured me whole

now i feel it more and more

on every inch of my body,

i can feel it

get a grip

it's not that serious

but it hurts!

i'm not familiar with this feeling

my eyes seems to have lost focus

my head seems to be is spinning

it's strange, very strange

maybe i'm growing up?

oh, i wouldn't know

i'm still young, still a baby

but this is confusing me

i cant fathom what this is

this emptiness?

what is happening to me?

i don't understand

—18

i'm losing my way

i'm running as fast as i can

towards the light,

yes the light

right over there

wait, it's dimming! no!

please..

i need to get there quickly

i have to get there now

"what are you chasing?"

"take your time"

"it will be okay, see?"

suddenly the room was filled

who are these people?

all wandering around aimlessly

they all seem confused,

but content

"they're all just as lost as you are"

"we're all just as lost as you are"

wait..

that voice came from..

myself?

—18