it's 1am and i'm bawling

i don't know why i'm going where i'm going anymore. does that make any sense? i don't know. everything just ends up being the same, my fate ends up the same. is it my fault? is this... unwavering yet painful fate i have following me anywhere i go? in the place where i used to think was my happy place just turns it's back against me, just like everyone else. so now what should i do? i didn't ask for this, i didn't do this on purpose... to the point where i feel the need to say sorry for anything i do, that might make them uncomfortable. this hurts, on my side. of course no one is doing it on purpose. this might seem like i'm overreacting, i don't think anyone will ever understand, either. that's why i'm writing it down. because i'm doing this for myself, and myself only. and it's not easy putting yourself before others when you've put others before you all your life, even though they'd never realize it. it's okay. it's okay if they don't realize it, it's okay if they don't appreciate you as you should be appreciated. it's the thought that counts, right? i've lived by myself all my life, i thought i'd be used to it by now. but turns out, i don't think i'm used to being looked over on yet. i know it's happened many times before throughout my life, but whenever it happens it's just... i don't know. it just hurts. i don't know how else to explain it, it's just a sharp pain on my chest that swims it's way through my veins and just attaches itself onto me, therefore leaving a lingering feeling that i loathe so much. there's no escape, i'm guessing? i know this will all end if i distance myself from all of them, but life doesn't work like that. humans are said to be social beings, we need others to survive, i get that. but sometimes it all just gets a bitttttt too much for me. i know i've been talking nonsense in this whole paragraph(?) but it's almost 1am, and i needed to let all of this out or else i WILL explode. anyway... i hope i get happier, i hope i can appreciate myself more, i hope i can be a better person overall. here's to better days. <3

-18