it's 1am and i'm bawling

i don't know why i'm going where i'm going anymore. does that make any sense? i don't know. everything just ends up being the same, my fate ends up the same. is it my fault? is this... unwavering yet painful fate i have following me anywhere i go? in the place where i used to think was my happy place just turns it's back against me, just like everyone else. so now what should i do? i didn't ask for this, i didn't do this on purpose... to the point where i feel the need to say sorry for anything i do, that might make them uncomfortable. this hurts, on my side. of course no one is doing it on purpose. this might seem like i'm overreacting, i don't think anyone will ever understand, either. that's why i'm writing it down. because i'm doing this for myself, and myself only. and it's not easy putting yourself before others when you've put others before you all your life, even though they'd never realize it. it's okay. it's okay if they don't realize it, it's okay if they don't appreciate you as you should be appreciated. it's the thought that counts, right? i've lived by myself all my life, i thought i'd be used to it by now. but turns out, i don't think i'm used to being looked over on yet. i know it's happened many times before throughout my life, but whenever it happens it's just... i don't know. it just hurts. i don't know how else to explain it, it's just a sharp pain on my chest that swims it's way through my veins and just attaches itself onto me, therefore leaving a lingering feeling that i loathe so much. there's no escape, i'm guessing? i know this will all end if i distance myself from all of them, but life doesn't work like that. humans are said to be social beings, we need others to survive, i get that. but sometimes it all just gets a bitttttt too much for me. i know i've been talking nonsense in this whole paragraph(?) but it's almost 1am, and i needed to let all of this out or else i WILL explode. anyway... i hope i get happier, i hope i can appreciate myself more, i hope i can be a better person overall. here's to better days. <3

-18

i am losing my way

can you feel a storm coming in or is it in my head?

i can even hear it coming

it's getting colder, and it's getting darker

i'm having trouble breathing

it's so loud, you can't hear it?

my small hands trembling,

heartbeat palpitating

this is so hard

hear me out?

thunderous screams are continuously replaying

there isn't any light coming in

i am losing my way

and i have no where to go

-18

i can finally feel whole again

the red sun evanescences

as the moon emerges

into the deep, deep night sky

sending shivers all around

i try and count the stars,

but there weren't that many

i try letting my thoughts run wild,

but i'm scared i wont ever get them back

so i lay there in solitude

eyes losing focus,

barely breathing,

merely just existing

i find my peace in this,

this unsettling loneliness,

this deafening silence,

this blazing darkness

i can finally feel whole again

—18

it's not that serious

uneasiness creeps up on me

it has devoured me whole

now i feel it more and more

on every inch of my body,

i can feel it

get a grip

it's not that serious

but it hurts!

i'm not familiar with this feeling

my eyes seems to have lost focus

my head seems to be is spinning

it's strange, very strange

maybe i'm growing up?

oh, i wouldn't know

i'm still young, still a baby

but this is confusing me

i cant fathom what this is

this emptiness?

what is happening to me?

i don't understand

—18

i'm losing my way

i'm running as fast as i can

towards the light,

yes the light

right over there

wait, it's dimming! no!

please..

i need to get there quickly

i have to get there now

"what are you chasing?"

"take your time"

"it will be okay, see?"

suddenly the room was filled

who are these people?

all wandering around aimlessly

they all seem confused,

but content

"they're all just as lost as you are"

"we're all just as lost as you are"

wait..

that voice came from..

myself?

—18

to 2007 alize

i am going to keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going until i get there. there? where? i don't know yet, sadly. sorry. but we'll know, lize. we'll know when we get "there". it's okay, we're okay. we'll get there, lize, we will. 

i promise.

we will. it is hard, but i will try. i try everyday, you know that, right? of course you do. you know me best. i am going to make you proud. i am sure. believe me, okay? 

we are okay

i love u.

-18

untitled 3

drowning, i'm drowning

deeper, and deeper, and deeper

i can't feel my lungs

i can't feel my head

are my eyes open?

i don't know

everything seems dark

i screamed, i shouted

but nothing came out

my body doesn't seem to move

it's so loud, what is this?

help

i need help!

save me, please?

i beg you. save me.

there's this piercing pain, right here

yes, on my left chest

what is that?

it hurts, it hurts so much

it's cold, very cold

but my body is burning up?

this hurts, i dont like it

i'm scared, please go away

i don't want this to end

not like this, no

not like this please

-18

iwanttogohome

the conundrums of my mind,

i can hear it

it's deafening, thunderous

my limbs trembling

just let my thoughts run wild,

but never back, please?

never 

back 

i want to go home

i want to go home

i want to go home

-18

bulan? 5/1/2020

bulan, pada malam yang seperti ini, aku rasa paling benar kalau aku bercerita denganmu. 

aku tahu, kalau aku dikelilingi orang baik, orang yang sayang sama aku. aku merasa aku sudah punya semuanya, dan seharusnya pada titik ini aku bisa bahagia, namun nyatanya, tidak. aku tau ini sangat klise dan sangat dramatis mungkin kamu tidak nyaman mendengarnya, namun aku sedih. namun sedihku ini memang sedikit membingungkan. ada banyak hal sepele yang muncul di kepalaku bila aku memikirkan apa yang menyebabkan ini, namun bila aku pikir-pikir, tidak penting juga. aku harus fokus ke hal baik saja, kan? semua orang bilang seperti itu. namun semua ini terasa berat. seakan semua hal yang aku lakukan menumpuk di punggungku dan semakin lama bebannya semakin berat. setiap kata yang aku ucapkan rasanya semakin pahit, setiap langkah yang aku jalani rasanya salah, ini sebenarnya apa? bahagia rasanya sangat palsu, senyum rasanya sangat terpaksa. kalau sudah punya semua, namun masih belum bahagia, jadi sebenarnya apa yang kita perlu? agar sedih tak terus mengetuk pintu?

-18